Thriving 30, Volume 17: If you are looking for motivation, this is it.

Motivation is the driver of goals. It fuels you, it gives you purpose, and it is something that we all have or are searching for. But what happens when you lose motivation? What happens when motivation gives up on you? 

One thing I learned this past year is that if you are constantly in search for motivation and only attempt to accomplish your goals when you have motivation, you aren't going to get really far. There will be days where nothing is on your side. There will be weeks where you will lose hope. There will be months where you will question what progress looks like? And there will be years where you'll wonder why can't you catch a break?

What do you call the fine lines between each doubt? 

Grit. 

I was thinking a lot about my mom this week. I usually call her mid-week but I really couldn't talk to her. She has raised me to be practical, level-headed, and to make decisions using my head. But lately, I think she wants me to be softer. To be emotionally available. I was thinking about how much she has struggled. This exists far beyond on trying to accomplish the american-dream from being an immigrant. Her mom died when she was 5, she has never had that kind of kinship. She came to America with $40, no english, and 3 kids. She hustled. She had to let go of any pride she had. She made sure that we were fed, clothed, like any other kid our age. Although she didn't have the patience and time to nurture us with love and gentleness, she raised 2 Berkeley grads with full scholarships. Sometimes I still get extremely mind-blowned. Sometimes it makes me a little sad that she didn't chase after her passion or even had the opportunity to think about what she wanted to do.  

To have that discipline to learn basic English, understand American politics, be able to save money and make ends meet takes grit. It goes far beyond motivation, because these goals aren't for herself. 

It is such a privilege to be able to have that choice, to do what you love and to choose to be happy. Maybe her passion has always been having kids and I was unaware of it. I asked her what she likes, and what are her dreams? She said it is for us to be successful. It is not normal for her to have nice things and she feels that for that particular moment it is not real... and she feels that she doesn't deserve it. A part of her still feels like she is in Vietnam still and the government practices communism. What she has now can be taken away from her at any moment. I can't imagine what is like to have that fear, that doubt and to lose hope ... to lose motivation. What really happens when lose motivation? You search for grit. 

I am so muthafuggin lucky. It is blessing to have a say in my dreams. To be a writer, to be a story-teller, and hopefully to have an impact. This hasn't always been my dream... I have always enjoyed writing, but I can be extremely over-critical of myself. With english not being my first language and the fear of being grammatically incorrect… and this is just external fear, we haven't even discussed the fear of being vulnerable and having this public journal that is read by many. I know that 30 years from now, if I am still alive, I would really love to read what the heck was going in my brain (pun not intended, pls see "what happens when you have brain cancer") during my 20's, the most developmental part of my life. I've also realize that it is an injustice to the world if I keep all this insight to myself. 

Motivation is hard. It takes more than being hopeful to accomplish what you want. But if you are waiting for motivation to happen, you aren’t going to get very far, or you might not ever find it. Life is too short, stop waiting, get up and just do it. What do you have to lose? For me, nothing… The worst has already happened.