Trying to Thrive, Volume 28: Documenting Things That Aren't A Part of My Highlight Reel

Wow,  it has been some time since I’ve been on here. I definitely failed at writing 30 posts for my 30th birthday. I think I am at 28.

When I initially created my own domain, I was ready for this project to be a platform where I openly talk about issues that a lot people can relate to, and it did! I am so thankful for the support from friends and random people that read my content.

Writing has been really difficult for me… not in terms of content, as there are so many things I want to share. However,  it’s been extremely challenging talking about things I care about.

I shared a lot of personal stories, growth, and what I learned from my struggles. I think part of me was really hurting that I wasn’t able to reach the growth and part where I’m passed it and ready to share perspective or positive introspection. Or maybe it’s even deeper, where I feel a bit worthless because I haven’t learned how to cope and question what qualifies me to provide adequate advice.  

I was also really drained from being open and vulnerable all the time. As much as I advocate for the bravery of being vulnerable, I was really losing grip of the logical side and elevating to the level of moving on and honestly getting shit done. I was then criticized from people who I truly love for painting an image of someone that isn’t me. I started to doubt how truthful or how genuine I am when I was vulnerable, introspective, or joyful. I guess this all sums up to me doubting who I really am and dealing with imposter-syndrome.

Knowing who you really are is insanely personal because perception is also subjective. For a minute there, I really did know who I am. I was confident in my values and my intentions …and figured if those who don’t see that, aren’t worthy of my time. But it brings me a lot of pain when the people I love the most let their own insecurities come into the way of seeing my best side. I believed my blog shared a lot about me …with my travels, my love for ice cream, changes in my career journey, mental health and things happening in the world right now that I truly cared about. But when you are constantly criticized for being who you really are and doing what you love, it starts to eat at your identity where you start questioning yourself.

I don’t know the solution.

I can’t control the situation.

And I don’t have any expectations.  

There are moments in life, where there isn’t a silver lining, there isn’t a deeper meaning, there isn’t a lesson to be learned, or reason behind it. Life goes on, and I need to stop replaying broken scenarios from my past.

Human beings are extremely dynamic in positive and negative ways. I will continue to write since there’s a part of me that really love personal connection. Regardless of the criticism, silent supporters, or even non-supporters who are curious with what I am up to, I am kicking, I am alive, I am blessed with health and happiness (kinda).