(P)Roses from the Pandemic 02: Nurture

Where I’m from, it’s beautiful

No seasons

We see 72 365

I feel like I’ve been living for today

Unplanned

It’s as if I have no goals

No dreams

No passion

I’ve been running in circles

121.3 km to be exact

Waiting for light

Thinking if I matter-ed

It doesn’t matter cus

Time didn’t stop

Yet what I’ve learned cannot be measured

When did being kind to yourself become a trend

That is over quoted

Over said

Over seen

What is it inherit value?

An equation that even mathematicians can’t solve

When am I too kind?

Where I lose a sense of grip?

Discipline?

Motivation?

Can being kind to yourself mean keeping promises?

Sticking to your goals?

…while not shaming yourself if you don’t achieve them

It’s that “if” part…

If you don’t, what will happen?

What I failed to realize

With my own eyes

That I’m happy and … I didn’t have my dream job

I’m happy and … I didn’t accomplishment all my goals

“I’m happy” was a state of mind

Like an epiphany

Where you separate if this then that

Or how you step foot into a jungle

You knew you had to adjust

It isn’t achieved

I then realized that I didn’t need to attain something to be happy

My vocabulary is

“I wanna be free”

Free of expectations

Free of plans

Free of rules

Free of what nurture wants

But more of

Content-ness

Free-dom

Bound-diaries from people

Joy from repetition of music

Expression through keyboards

Balance between discipline and kindness

Balance between what ifs and so whats

Balance between nurture and nature

It’s amazing to see

Even if you were born in a household

That failed at teaching you how

To deal with pain

You were given a chance at learning

That you had it all within you

It was the society, generational sexism and nurture

Who convinced you differently

I used to feel I needed to prove them wrong

But then I realized

The only person I needed to prove

Was myself right