Thriving 30, Volume 04: What happens when you have brain cancer?
On October 18, 2017, I was diagnosed with a rare case of carcinoma in the right frontal brain. I was 26 years old. I scheduled an appointment with my primary care doctor because I knew something was different. These nosebleeds were not weather or allergy related. I knew deep down… it was definitely something else. I asked for a second opinion. I asked for a third opinion. The consensus was, “we need to remove the tumor as soon as possible or it will protrude and affect your lungs”. I needed a moment... I needed a moment to breathe, to realize that in about 5 days I am turning 27, a pivotal moment of turning a year closer to 30. I will not have to worry about what cool new restaurant I am going to try next week but what the fuck am I gonna do with my life? Should I write a will? What am I going to tell my family? What is going to happen with my condo? Should I contact my realtor and prepare to sell it? Should I tell my boss the truth? What is up with my health plan? How much will my insurance cover? How much should I be saving for all my health concerns? Will my boss replace me… after all I’m a useless piece of shit now that I have fucking cancer.
My doctor told me the results. He said, “You seem like a realistic, level headed, calm individual. Here is what we need to do:
The best brain surgeon that we know of is in the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix. Let’s fly him out to get you checked out. I will send him your medical records by end of day.
He will need to remove this tumor that is protruding on the right side of the your head. It is blocking your right nostrils. Depending on how deep the cut is there is a 40% chance that it can damage your right vision. You will be permanently blind.
After the surgery, you will be on either chemo or radiation or both.
We will make arrangements with your future follow-up appointments so that we keep track of your diagnosis.
Brain surgeries can only be done on Thursdays. When is your next available Thursday?”
The next thing I knew, the oncology department set me up with a therapist and family care representative to help emotionally prepare me for this process. They talked to me about DNR and power of attorney, in the case that anything happens during my procedure who has the authority to make a medical life/death decision. They assigned to me a therapist to mentally guide me through this process and provided me with someone I can confide in, in the possible case I might hurt myself.
My mental health was destroyed. I wasn’t afraid of dying, I wasn’t afraid of losing my job, I wasn’t afraid that I’d be blind… but I was upset with karma. I’ve been kind to my family and friends. I’ve been a compassionate human being…I’ve been a rockstar of a samaritan…What on earth did I do to deserve this? I was upset with the world because I have so much to offer. I haven’t fulfilled my dreams, I am not at the level of success of where I want to be and most importantly I haven’t impacted anyone’s lives yet.
The day of my surgery, my brother picked me up. That moment, that day, about 5 people knew what was going on... my brother, my direct manager, my teammate, and my 2 closest friends. I was sick to my stomach. I was grappling two different feelings, how unfair this is and shaming myself for self-pity. I felt so narcissistic for feeling sorry for myself and for feeling that I didn’t deserve this. There are so many difficult hardships out there that I don’t recognize and I am ignorant to be caught up with my current emotions. I clenched my fist and told my surgeon I’m ready. He held my hand and said, “I’ll do my absolute best.” And that’s all I needed to hear.
They rolled me in and before they placed the IV in, my surgery team asked me what is my current favorite album? In that moment, without hesitation I said, “Maroon 5: What Lovers Do ft SZA… “. I was thrilled that they were so supportive in finding ways to ease my nerves. I can remember vividly bobbing my head and moving my toes during SZA’s verse. The next moment I was out… I did not dream, I was not in limbo. I felt like in that particular moment...nothing really existed.
I woke up to my brother holding my hand saying, "You did it!". I woke up touching my eyes, my face, and my hair, and asked the nurse "Is it still there?". She held my hand and said you look beautiful. Tears welled up in my eyes, and looked at my brother and asked him what does that even mean?!?! My surgeon walked out and hugged me and said I did good job, and he was able to cut deep into the tumor without damaging my eyes. I would need to rest, and he will see me in a couple weeks to revisit my diagnosis and treatment.
I was on an 9 week radiation program. I would come in for 30 minutes every day so that lasers can burn off my residuous cancerous cells. I was sick. I threw up. My body was confused. I’ve had episodes of nervous breakdowns and anxiety attacks. The endless list of complaints can go on. I received my last treatment on April 1, 2018 (which felt like an evil joke). As of April 26, 2018 I am in remission.
I am resilient.
I am strong.
I am a survivor.
For the longest time I didn’t want to talk about this. I didn’t want share apart of myself that made me so weak. I felt like this moment of my life was so personal. I didn’t know how to open-up with my friends and loved ones without feeling judgment and pity. I didn’t want to be interviewed, I just wanted them to say, “what can I do to make your day better?”. I was very hesitant in even writing about this, but I was encouraged to share my experience to someone who might be going through a similar experience. The biggest drawback I learned from this experience is 1) life is way too short. Life can be taken away from you with a blink of eye. There isn’t a perfect moment for anything since you can’t really predict the future, whatever you were waiting to do ...can never happen. The only person that can control this very moment is you. Take every moment, regret is your worst enemy. 2) Happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy. Whatever you are going through now, whatever is making you sad right now, whatever is holding back now, know that it will pass. It will pass! It’s killing you this very moment… but know that in the long run, it will be minuscule 3) Live with life with as much passion as you can. Be kind(er), be (more) understanding, be (more) sympathetic, be a (better) human being. Our world needs it.